02.04.2019

Michael’s Mind’s Eye: Super Bowl LIII: The Patriots, PETA, and Nipplegate ’19

Michael’s Mind’s Eye:  Super Bowl LIII:  The Patriots, PETA, and Nipplegate ’19

By Michael P Coleman

Congrats to Tom Brady and the New England Patriots!  In what was perhaps the least eventful Super Bowl ever, history was made with the Patriots tying the Steelers record with six wins.  Brady’s a fellow University of Michigan alum, so GO BLUE! 

However, most of Super Bowl LIII’s drama was found behind the scenes.

First off, PETA was pissed!  The advocacy group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have gone off on Hyundai’s ad that mocked a “vegan dinner party” with its “beetloaf” main course. 

“The trend of 2019 is…vegan dinner parties (and an earth, heart, & animal-friendly lifestyle…instead of buying a car from people with outdated ideas…” the organization tweeted after the ad was released. 

bigboi superbowl halftimeThen, there was rapper Big Boi’s coat during the Half Time Show.  He looked like he was wearing half of a petting zoo.  And the game was in Atlanta, so who needed all of that coat? 

Whether the guy was cold or not, PETA wasn’t having it. 

“The way you move is horrifying when animals have to DIE for your outfit,” PETA tweeted, echoing lyrics from the Outkast hit ‘The Way You Move.” 

But the game’s real head-turner was Adam Levine, stripping his shirt off and displaying his full-torso tattoos along with a set of pink, perky nipples for the world to see.  Since Levine is known for stripping his shirt off, what’s the issue with this?  Janet Jackson, you’ll remember, was fined for flashing a single nip during her infamous 2004 Super Bowl Half Time performance with Justin Timberlake. 

Now here’s my take on this:  I was all for Janet’s tit show, although since Timberlake ripped her bra off, I thought he should have been charged with assault instead of being asked to host Saturday Night Live.  But truth be told, I had been waiting for that kind of “wardrobe malfunction” since Janet’s 1991 video “Love Will Never Do Without You” and maybe since her 1986 video “When I Think of You.” 

In fact, the latter video is responsible for me naming my firstborn “Janet.”  For the record, Miss Jackson can show me her nipple any ol’ time she feels like it. 

And so can Levine.  He’s looking fine at 39, and his little striptease caused me to back away from the buffet at that Super Bowl party and hit the gym first thing this morning.  I’m also thinking about getting a new tat for 2019.  Maybe by pool season I’ll look as tight shirtless as he did during the big game. 

What did Levine sing, you ask?  Who cares.  It was all about the titties. 

I’m hoping this whole nipple flash thing becomes a Super Bowl trend!  Maybe Dolly Parton (!), Ricky Martin, or John Legend will do next year’s Half Time show! 

Mike Coleman headshotonly nologo 300

Connect with shirt-free freelancer Michael P Coleman at michaelpcoleman.com, or follow him on Twitter:  @ColemanMichaelP.