By Michael P Coleman
I recently attended a VIP Open House for Heartstoppers Haunted House in Rancho Cordova. The attraction is very aptly named.
I’m a grown ass man. A family man. A man of faith. And I cussed like a bitch trying to get out of that event. Lord, Jesus. That was no way to treat a “VIP.” “VIP” my ass.
Very specifically, two parts of the attraction killed me: upstairs was “The Asylum.” Downstairs, “The Catacombs.” I can’t honestly tell you about the rest of Heartstoppers Haunted House, because after I flew up those stairs and out of that underground death trap, I ran to my car and bolted.
Here’s the situation: I’d never been to a “haunted house” attraction before, except for the decidedly G-rated, family-oriented Haunted Mansion attractions at Disneyland and Walt Disney World. So guess what your boy thought? I thought that the night’s frights were going to be provided by animatronic figures. NOT “living,” breathing zombies, etc.
Like. A. Bitch. I’d lost my voice by the time I got out of there… from screaming…
And I’m a claustrophobic bitch, so I should have NEVER agreed to go UNDERGROUND into those Catacombs. NEVER!
Heartstoppers Haunted House has returned to The Mineshaft location in Rancho Cordova, which according to insiders, is “ideal” because the Mineshaft property itself is rumored to be haunted.
Yeah, that’s what I said. Why the hell didn’t someone tell me that the place was haunted — I’m a “VIP,” after all — before I got there that night?!?
“We love being back in our favorite location to make ourselves at home with more permanent investment in the property and the community,” said Joel Watson, producer of Heartstoppers Haunt. “Our long term plan is to not only run the Heartstoppers Haunted House in October, but expand to open seasonally for workshops and eventually some other holidays for specialty themed haunts.”
Great. Now they’ll be scaring the bejesus out of us during OTHER holidays.
Tickets start at $25. Heartstoppers Haunted House will operate for the public Fridays and Saturdays each weekend in October, 7:30 – 10:30pm; two Sundays, October 21 and 28, 7:30 – 10pm; and two additional dates on October 30 until 10:30pm and October 31 until 11:30pm. Information is available at heartstoppershaunt.com.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Connect with freelancer Michael P Coleman at michaelpcoleman.com, or follow him on Twitter: @ColemanMichaelP.
